“You don’t have to tell me how to react!” “I don’t need your criticism.” “Don’t do that to me!” “Who do you think you are, anyway?” Who can relate to expressing their needs in a way that’s angry and irritated? Strict boundary enforcement; quick to get angry and irritated If we have experienced aggression, oppression, […]
We’d only been dating for a few months, and recently I’d started staying over at his place every now and then. Of course, I’d pitch in with small household chores like loading the dishwasher. I quickly learned that my partner arranged things in a certain way, using a keen eye and a well-developed sense of […]
“But he’s so sweet!” I can still hear myself saying that about the man who regularly humiliated me, sexually assaulted me, and consistently crossed my boundaries—mentally and emotionally. “A toxic relationship is an unregulated and unsafe relationship that appears to benefit both parties. Symbiosis is common, as are manipulation, boundary violations, abuse, and violence.” When […]
“These past few weeks, I haven’t even had time to eat my sandwich at lunch. I’ve been doing everything on my laptop.” She was sitting across from me and had barely mustered the energy to make it to my office. A few weeks ago, she’d received a diagnosis: burnout. We talked about it for the […]
It was a good friend of mine’s birthday. I knew her and her parties all too well: they were a blast, and there was plenty of drinking. Not long before this party, I had started therapy and discovered what I already knew deep down: I was drinking too much. Like: one bottle of wine too […]
“Can’t I just do anything right the first time?”, “Why can’t I just act normal for once?”, “Oh, how stupid of me!”, “I’ve made such a huge mistake!”, “I never take action either—so nothing ever gets done, does it?” REVIEWS Verdict. We’re quite good at it. Toward others, certainly. But also—and perhaps especially—toward ourselves. Shall […]
“No one needs to tell me what I can and can’t do, and anyone who tries will hear it from me.” “I really can’t stand arguments—I just walk away.” “I’m a real people-pleaser; I like to make others happy.” “When someone is unkind, I freeze up.” What is the significance of your coping mechanism? “A […]
“Hi, this is Rianne. I’m looking for help. I think it’s for my addiction. I think I’m addicted to relationships… Oh, you can’t help me? But you do have another number. No, that’s not necessary. Or… never mind. Maybe I’ll call it sometime. Thanks.” That day, I’d mustered all my courage to call an addiction […]
“When we’ve gone through something that makes us afraid it might happen again, we seek control. We call this way of dealing with our pain or fear a coping mechanism.” Some people really want everyone to work the same way they do, others plan their days down to the minute, and still others hope for […]
In the interviews I’ve given over the past few years, I’m often asked if I’m grateful for what I’ve been through. My answer is always the same: no. I’m not grateful for the lack of safety at home. Not for the sexual abuse. Not for the rape. Nor am I grateful for the toxic relationship […]
